dont look past me.

i made new journal it says why read if you would like please it's rebirthisdeath

today i will find out if im hiv+ or hiv - hopefully negavtive right.lol. im very scared i cant sleep. i dont know what i will do if i have hiv. im scared shitless for both me and larry. larry could care less about me right now. im praying now that i just have something so minor. hopefully. well anyways that's all i wanted to say i will write back here later on when i get my results. please let them be negative im going to be scared going into the room1!!
luv joseph
ps. give me the strenght i need.

i might be positive im scared shitless cause that would mean larry and dain would have it. im not to concernd with myself i am sad and terrified i dont want to die alone and i know i will die alone if i have aids. and as for larry i really hope i dont. maybe im just sick right now.lol

it's almost the first of the month i guess this is were we say goodbye. im really hope you have a great life. ours are both going in different directions. I dont wish the best for you and dain. I hope one of you becomes bitter. I hope you both end up hating eachother. there's the truth. lol. just had to get that out of the way. but now for seriousness. i'll keep the cox going fora while im going to pay my off mine and you can cancel if you would like. im just trying to do anything so i dont have to see you again. it's not that i hate you. we just bring out the worse in eachother. it's best if we dont stay in contact as well. one thing i do wish the best for you is you!!. get your life going larry your 22 your not getting any younger. and it seems to me you stuborn basterd. that you have potential that your letting it go to waste working at hollywood video. come on that's for boring people like dain. had to insult him somehow. so get on it!!! one more thing i get all days of the comic-con off. im not saying i want to go with you.cause you'll prob bring dain and it's werid when he's around. but me and tiffany and annie are going. and if you going to want to hang out with annie tell me so me and tiff can do something else. and as for our anniversary i know you wont be thinking of me. you'll create new memories with dain. lol i have to stop crying over that. your not the same larry i once knew. and im not that same joseph you once knew eighther im still in love with the past. all i can say is i was the first and dain is not the last. i dont need to say anymore. cause you dont listen to me anywas.
luv joseph
ps. fuck you!! for not trying. you ruined my life and left me to die. and now that im better. i want to say fuck you!!!

well anyways today was a very intresting day had a great time acutally my days have been getting better now that larry is out of it. lol. well today i got a call from my old friend G who i havent talked to on the phone in forever she asked me what i wass doing toay. and i said nothing so we hung with my other friend karah keep in mind my best friend karah. well im kind of seeing her ex boyfriend.lol. i feel bad but G is still the same. karah on the other hand has changed alot1!!!!!. she's not the same little karah i knew it makes me sad almost. but hey what can you do. right. well me and G wanted to go to viejas! so we did but we found out after 8 minors couldnt go in. so they just dropped me off and i said i would take the bus home. so i get there im said i wwould only spend like about 3 dollars. i get hooked to this i dream of jennie machine!!! it was fun i ended up making my 3 dollars go up to 7!! but then lost it so then i put my 5 dollars in there. and it went up to 10 i should have left but then i lost that. then fianlly i used my 20 dollar bill like an idoit!! then got down to 1.00 dollar i was like fuck it my aunt is comming soon i'll borrow money of her and get a ride home with her. so i hit the buttone i get jack pot!!!! i win like 15 dollars then i cash out i got downstaris and meet my aunt we went to penny's machines which were fun we did the munster i won another 15 dollars.!!! i kept getting jackpots on them which is good. had fun!! well anyways im off to play wow and then read then fall asleep. im soooo happy. i cant wait to go on my date with carl. i really want to have someone now. im ready for it to im no longer afraid!!! ohh yea how could i forget my new friend katrina she's sooooo coooool!! she's like my bailey for the summer. i hope she dosent die though. lol. i miss tibby and lena!! we have no bridget so i cant miss her.lol. were looking for one though. we all have to agree i guess. but i cant wait to hang out with bailey!!!

ok this will be long. i wrote this poem at work!!
it's called
-another thing comming-
with lonelyness and desperation at my side.
would you be able to think of anything better.
all i wanted was to be loved.
hold me cries the child inside.
which is craving human contact.
that i've been denied so many times.
why now? did you think you need some reasureance.
i may be sitting by your window glowing!
but you'll never see my true beauty inside.
-joseph espinoza

in case you dont know who that is to it's to jaime that fucker. im going to make a picture like larrys and put it on my myspace. anyways there are a couple of things i want to talk about tonight. first off. the 4th of july is comming i know you guys think independence day and shit. but not for me it's me and larry's anniversary 1 year to be more specific. it makes me sad. i know i shouldnt be have plans and friends!! huh showed larry. he thought i would be by myself. he thinks im stupid for not having a boyfriend but i think blah. you know what i mean. friends are there for you when bitch ass boyfriends arent!!

another thing is i hope to get a job a tmobie i tried before i hope i cant get it it will be better pay and alot better enivorment.

now about my hair if you didnt know i got it cut. i feel good dosent feel any different but all of the sudden people are likeing me and everything it's fucking werid im notcied now. lol. it makes me sad thought huh. i'll ignore everyone except the people who are like me. or who were ignored like me. i hate it i get compliments from everybody every day. i like your hair you look good your hott....

another story now larry i want to talk about this larry and i. yea more or so larry everyone always saw larry i was in the background right. not because i wanted to be there because everyone liked larry better thought he was cutter and im talking about guys not girls. but i was ignored everyon looked down upon me thought i was ugly had nothing good to say or would just plain ignore me. fucked up isnt it.

lately i have been feeling lonely i want a man but i dont know where to start. hmmm im not gong to wait. i need time to my self

ok now off to bed ight night

love joseph
ps. sorry trying new thing seeing if it will work or not

lately more than ever i've been wanting a boyfriend two reasons i dont want one or mainly cant have one. first off that would completely deplete the whole purpose of me being single for so long. second where in the hell do i look no one likes me. apart of me wants to show larry that he's not the best i've had or will have. but then i see no point in that. anyways i saw david a guy i used to work with at navjo if you dont know what that is it's my old hollywood video store. i hate it.lol. he's doing good. im suprised he rememberd me lol also i talked to raph we were talking about relationships and how they made us bitter. poor him his girlfriend told him that she was never dating him just using him. if larry said something like that to me i would be devistated. oh the short hand while im on the topic of what ever im making new friends one named tiffany and second kat. there sooo cool both love sailormoon!! and both are hella funny. on the sad side of the news. my bestest friend annie is moving back to her home in la im so going to miss her! tonight is my last night with her. another thing is larry is pissing me off he is blowing off everyone to hang out with dain and it's not like he dosent see dain he sees dain every fucking single day they have off toghether if fucking pisses me off get a fucking life larry/ you stupid little bitch. lol. jk no but iam serious about him getting a life besides dain i have a life besides WoW. ohh that's another thing i have a new addiction besides men and it's wow if you dont know what that is it's world of warcraft best game i have ever played in my fucking life next to final fantasy x2 and kingdom hearts!! hmmm on a serious note i've been thinking that i have hiv that would be scary everyone is like no you dont have it!! im like maybe i do but im not showing any signs and if i got it from who i think i have got it from then i would be showing signs i even asked mky fmaily doctor once he said you start seeing sign 3 months if you show signs at all. so it's been more than 1 year and i have no signs my immune system is working great havent been sick in a while knock on wood.lol. maybe im jus paranoid.
well anyways g2g
luv you much
joseph

im going to make this quick. my life has changed i have a life lol. larry im over with not happy thought still a little bitter but hey expected. but anyways i have a great new friend annie yea the little lez from spencers lol jk well anyways my life is ok work sucks as usual im looking for another job. i cut my hair disapointed about that but people say i look good. i guess i died it fucshia alto of people give me compliments. well anyways that jaime guy that was really mean all of the sudden liked me. but the strange thing is now that he dosent talk to me anymore after a couple nights ago i jacked him off and hasnt talked to me since. but anyways we always me and annie go to dennys its like a ritual. well nothing ever has happen to scared us el cajon has been pretty safe for us. but anyways the other night we were singing really loud and some lady passed us and wanted to shank us im serious. but now tonight we were supposed to have a porno night but that got cancelled tiffany and annie came to pick me up after worked annie pushed me in a shopping cart. fun but anyways we split up got ready at my place then met them at dennys ok we were about to leave then all of the sudden the waiter guy that always talks to us. said that some trucker guy was waiting outside and he wanted to pay for our dinner. we got scared we called that bitch guy annies roomate but he hung up on me fucker!!!!! so we decieded to take the risk and walk home we did made it home safe thankfully. i called everyone no one picked up sadly but now im here about to get off but anyways love you guys got to go if you want to no more details just aske me as usually.
luv
joseph
ps. fuck?!!!!

i may have think i created a monster called larry! im serious larry has been a mega bitch asshole fucker basterd that i cant stand to be around. he's so fucking fake to everyone! everyone sees me as the bitch. which i am from time to time when i want to be. but one thing is i dont deny it to make myself look all holly!!. mr. larry has been so fucking rude he looks down upon everyone. i went out with some of my friends with larry. keep in mind these people are great!! but the whole time larry was being so bitchy to me and to them and rude making fun of them. and being serious. it frustrated me but i let it go. he always dose this. no one sees it. but anyways back to my point larry always thinks that im talking shit about him to everyone but i told him i dont. i only tell the truth and that's if they fucking ask me. and even then i stick up for his fucking ass!!! but now my friend pointed out how he is but i told them he's only like that to me or when he's around me. there like honey no! he's always going to be like that. they even said that little special relationship that he has with that bitch. trust me will go away. let karma hit him in the ass!! i felt bad cause larry is a really goood guy!
ps.
torn

in case you didnt notice whitch i dont understand how you would notice! i got high speed internet yay! i was wacthing the new kelly clarkson music video! it's great love it! "behind these hazel eyes" i love her new cd i love her!! she's great she's is my new fav thing right now.so move over utada hello kelly! i have spyware and adware it amkes my com shity and i cant play online games like i want to! well off

ok im tired of this i cant handle it anymore i cant i've cried to many time because of this fucking asshole yes larry is an asshole i fucking hate him. he is making my life a fucking living hell. i really do enjoy the time he is away from me. i cant stand it anymore i want him out. im stuck with him and he knows it. he contantly treats me like shit. im not his door mat to walk all over. im tired of everyone saying how can you live with joseph. they dont know what's it's like to live me or to live with larry. they only hear larry side of the story. and im crying for that if they only knew what went ont behind these closed doors. i know im not making this up i know these feelings are valid. i just need to be free from him. im threw with him sorry about this people

well anyways im about to go to bed im tired and i have to close today so fuck it.lol. it's werid im writing this knowing that i need to update everything and say everything and write everything but im so fucking lazy but i want to caputre how i feel for everyone but how am i going to do that if i keep putting it off. well anyways im going to start i was watching and old music video or the introduction to kingdom hearts the fris one and instantly brought up the past and everything i was trapped there for a long time old smells from old apparments and everything came aback to me living with andrew going to the beach all the time. this was all before i met larry my old life has fadded i no longer know anyone i used to hangout and talk to at that point in time of my life. now with larry slowy fadeing away he's staying more and more over dain's whitch i could care less i used to cry but not no more im happy when he is gone. it's werid though i want him to move out i gave him 2 weeks notice lol. i told him i want to have him leave on good terms and not leave anything loose. cut off all ties and as that part of my life fad so dose eveyrting i established in navjo and hollywood video all of those peopel are fadeing but for a few exceptions of natalie and christina but i met natalie in el cajon. so yea. but another thing everywhere i go in el cajon remind me of the past every where. well g2g
joseph

well this is an update lol. stupid me. but anyways not seeing anyone currently weight 10,000 pounds. shags 0!! i got paid yesterday and bought the sarah mclachlan afterglow live cd it's great love iT!! but that's not why im on here. ok my little sister ran away the other day and know one knows where she is at beside here stupid little friend whitch the police are going to interagate the shit out of! i swear i want to get so mad at her when i see her again i really hope she is going to be ok and if that fucker touched her in any kind of way god so help! i will beat the shit out of him my self. sorry didnt mean to get violent but fucker is 19 that she ran away with. i know loser!! my little sister is only 14 years old!! im so worried i feel so bad for my dad he must be going threw alot right now. you see when i ran away i didnt get in contact with my family for 3 months whitch i felt horrible for. but i was alright and my dad knew that. he knew i could handle myself but then again i was 17 and im not as stupid as my sister i didnt run away with some fucking stranget i met off the net. i ran away with a friend of mine. larry is being a really good help to me right now. but yea sorry. and nothing else seems to be going my way i have a fucker fever i have a sore throat im tired and i must work tonight!!!! i think i will call in sick i have to got to cox and pay it off then get high speed internet again i love it and i miss it. i keep getting depressed at work it bothers me i feel so sad and i dont know. damm my mood swings and im having trouble with my computer.
k gotta go,
luv joseph

Never give out your password or credit card number in an instant message conversation.

Joseph says:
hey
Carlitos says:
s up?
Joseph says:
you said you wanted to see a better picture of me
Joseph says:
let me find
Joseph says:
one
Joseph says:
but how are you?
Carlitos says:
kwl
Carlitos says:
very good, i just got up
Joseph says:
lol me too
Carlitos says:
lazy
Joseph says:
who me?
Carlitos says:
hahaha
Joseph says:
lol, im not lazy i've been working every day since last wensday
Carlitos says:
me too, but i am off today, and tomorrow
Joseph says:
i work today i dont work tommorow so im happy
Carlitos says:
kwl
Carlitos says:
wher do u work?
Joseph says:
dont laugh blockbuster
Joseph says:

Carlitos says:
kwl

Waiting for Carlitos to accept the file "blankness 011.jpg" (719 Kb, less than 6 minutes with a 28.8 modem). Please wait for a response or Cancel (Alt+Q) the file transfer.

Transfer of file "blankness 011.jpg" has been accepted by Carlitos. Starting transfer...

Joseph says:
there a better picture of my face
Joseph says:
lol
Joseph says:
i dont like it though
Carlitos says:
why?
Joseph says:
i just dont like how i look
Joseph says:
lol
Carlitos says:
let me see first and i let u know, k?
Carlitos says:
cause i dont really remember u
Carlitos says:
how do u look like?
Joseph says:
little fat mexican
Joseph says:
lol
Carlitos says:
jajaj
Carlitos says:
whre u the guy that was wearing a hat?
Carlitos says:
and u were with a tall skinny and cute guy?
Joseph says:
yea
Joseph says:
lol
Carlitos says:
is your friend gay too?
Joseph says:
no he's straight
Carlitos says:
what?
Joseph says:
why?

Transfer of "blankness 011.jpg" is complete.

Carlitos says:
cause he is so cute and i like him
Carlitos says:
u look so cute, how old r u?
Joseph says:
iam 18
Joseph says:
lol
Joseph says:
it figures everyone likes him
Carlitos says:
u have a baby face
Joseph says:
thank god he's not gay
Joseph says:
i know in that picture i do
Joseph says:
here's a different one
Carlitos says:
send it to my mail, cause it takes longer on messenger
Joseph says:
ok
Joseph says:
so you really like my best friend
Joseph says:
i should tell him
Carlitos says:
yeah
Carlitos says:
a lot
Carlitos says:
i toll my manager the other night, ans she wait, wait i wil go get his number
Joseph says:

Joseph says:
so how long have you worked there for
Carlitos says:
3 years
Joseph says:
wow
Joseph says:
do you like it?
Carlitos says:
r u sure he is not? cause he acts like one of us
Joseph says:
no he isnt trust me i would be the first to know
Joseph says:
unless he dosent trust me
Carlitos says:
maybe
Joseph says:
but yea that girl with us that's his girlfriend
Carlitos says:
he has a gf?
Joseph says:
yea
Carlitos says:
what?
Joseph says:
they fuck like crazy
Carlitos says:
how do u know?
Joseph says:
cause i can hear them
Carlitos says:
r they your roommates?
Joseph says:
we'll he is
Joseph says:
but she vists all the time
Carlitos says:
k
Joseph says:
so yea sorry about that.
Joseph says:
so are you into the arts?
Carlitos says:
not really
Joseph says:
so no poetry, art
Carlitos says:
nope
Joseph says:
what do you like to do
Joseph says:
sorry if you dont want to talk to me that's fine
Joseph says:

Carlitos says:
yeah
Carlitos says:
i am just wrapping a present for my friend
Joseph says:
ohh
Joseph says:
sometimes i wonder if things have changed? like the world i live in today.
Joseph says:
lol
Joseph says:
sorry
Carlitos says:
for what?
Joseph says:
what i just said
Carlitos says:
thats fine
Carlitos says:
k, i gotta go, cause i needd to get ready for the party\
Carlitos says:
bye
Joseph says:
ok bye it was nice talking to you
Carlitos says:
yeah i thinkl so, and tell your friedn that i like him so bad
Carlitos says:
have a nice day

well today was a great day i havent had one of these days in a long time there were it's minor bitches but hey looked past that. today anchor blue called me in for an interview i guess they want me!! lol. yay! two jobs and two fun jobs. and that cute guy talked to me today i hope he's gay like i have a chance with him anyways but we were talking about his hair. whitch if i think about it i dont know how we got on that topic because we were talking about the movie he wanted me to watch drunken master or something like that i will watch it though so i can talk to him about it.lol. anways didnt get everything done that i wanted to or had to finsish at work fucking sean lags i swear i never get anything done with him i was supposed to pull the red but no!!! his ass was to busy talking to customers. and i had to do everything. fuck yo!!!!lol anyways i hope things get beter for me. i just hope i dont get worse.
luv joseph
ps. im making these' cool poetry to picture thingys'

suddenly everything you said to me become a lie in my own making suddenly the things that were placed upon are on me. suddenly everything i once knew about you is just gone. suddenly do i even know you anymore. sorry not making any sense right now but im going through another thing with larry well not with larry but myself. he said to many thing maybe just to make me happy in my relationship but now he denies saying those things. and i know im not making them up in my mind. hmmm i dont know. it kind of makes me feel sad. im forgotten on the other hand im getting a promotion.!!!! yay!! but nothing going on in my love life right now. im not being picky im just blah have no time and plust i live with my ex that will ruin my relationship if i try to start a new one. and larry get's jealous to even he wont admit it he dose.
luv joseph

well anyways i finshed off any lose ties with larry it's over the relationship. were still friends but now we both know that there is nothing between us anymore.lol. no this is how thing went i asked questions got mad felt like he took a big part away from me when he told me some stuff. i felt like i coulndt breathe it really did hurt. i know everyone thinks im being dramtic. but go ahead and think so i know these feeling inside me are valid. "how come i never hear you say i just want be with you, i guess you never felt that way" -kelly clarkson. well i know what larry really thinks that's fine he choose dain over whitch is perfectly fine. come on someone new over what you had. i would take the new one myself. but there is just one thing i did love larry and larry lied to me the whole time he never really did love me. so right now i feel kind of angerd i want to destroy things but what good would that do. larry has taken so much from me. so i see no point in anything right now.
luv me
ps. not like anyone read this anyways and if they do they'll just tell larry about it. you know WHO YOU ARE!!!

sometimes i wonder when karma will come threw like it dosent happen fast enough. lol. i know that's a bad thing but what goes around comes around but dammmit not fast enough!!!! but yea you probably wondering what im talking about i know something you dont know. i cant tell anyone it's something i discoverd the other day when i was doing my chart and a couple of other people. specificaly something like karma is supposed to  happen to someone im not pretty found of right now. so blah!!! but enough of that

yesterday i meet someone that i went to school with in elementry school i was so supprised she rememberd me and she was supprised i rememberd her to. lol. but yea that mad my whole day happy. but yea that was so cool!! anyways i love work it's goood but then again all work places are good untill you get into like 5 months into them. i just hope i stay happy with this place.

i was looking at pictures well my ex was looking at them on his new boyfriends myspace profile. and umm he has pictures of like josh hartnett and some other guy in underwear. and i was thinking jessus that's how were supposed to look that's the idea man. i will never be like that it kind of made me feel sad but hey i love myself. so after that littls self pitty episode i was thinking. everything is just so physical today especailly with guys like my ex and his boyfriend that makes them perfect for eachtohter. but i guess the other day i was going to leave a note on my ex's myspace account. then i saw a comment from his new bitch and it said this."Hey Larry I heard somewhere that you Love me, oh wait, that's right you told me that you love me!!! And guess what I Love you too!!! What a crazy thing. :-P Just Playing around but its true. Ok no more mushy stuff, for now.
<3 Dain "  i know why he did that to rub it in my face because i left larry a note telling him what his natal chart said that i redid for him. and it said that he really dosent love the person he's with right now and the person he supposed to be with will enter his life in the end of may and begging of june.  but all i have to say to that is huh!!! love. dont make me laugh. you guys dont even have a relationship a real one. atfirst i got mad but then i was like what the fuck!!!!!!! maybe that's why karma is going to hit him bad. because his minsinterpritation of love that he has right now. and plus my ex is a hear breaker he is. and it even says so in the stars.lol. i sound crazy dont i. but anyways i have to go.

much love

joesph

ps. im feeling semi-replaced right now. i look at the fun he's having with him that he said he never had with me and it really makes me feel replaced and it makes me feel that eveyrone likes him betteer but why should i care?

ohhh and jim verraros new song's sucks i dont like them the lyrics are plain. and his voice sucks the only reason  i liked him is because he was cute. lol. i know bad im going to take him off my friends list.

( i did this myself it's not a regular horroscope it's me actually using my birth time and the postion of the planets and how they affect me. you should read it it's right.  )

well i welcome the things that i dont want and i have to face it like jealousy and hate and anger whitch i dont have much of just hurt. i dont want to hurt anyone like they have hurt him physicaly or emtionly so i give up. i know i can change for the better. and trust me i will. hopefully. well anyways i dont expect me to go blah anymore ut hbvaoihj oiwghnia ghoia i ajtoilngia nfaoigj but i understand that tommrow will just be the same and right now seems like forever but it really isnt because the years will slowly pass. but now i understand that things will go away with time may it be that i forget it or what ever. but will come back soon and it will hurt like it was yesterday.
i sound crazy on the messages i give you of anger